


Untitled

by HipsterBitch



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anorexia, Bulimia, Gen, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-22
Updated: 2014-04-22
Packaged: 2018-01-20 10:37:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1507448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HipsterBitch/pseuds/HipsterBitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Random thing I wrote at 3am. Kinda depressing</p>
            </blockquote>





	Untitled

Everyone always asks "When did it start?" But truth be told, I don't think it ever really began. It's always been there, I think. It's like breathing, you know it's there but you don't pay that much attention to it.

So the real question I guess is, "When did it stop?" But it never really stops either. The habits may fade and the thoughts only at the back of your mind, never the front anymore. You look in the mirror, but it's not like when you were sick. You see _you_ but your eyes immediately go to your "problem places," noticing how they aren't thin enough.

But you never stop comparing yourself to other girls. Girls skinnier, prettier. I suppose no one ever does. We do it without thinking. Looking at our "problem places" on them and seeing how they're not a problem for them. It kinda sucks.

At the beginning it was only occasionally skipping dinner. And then once a week, then everyday. And then there's a list of "No Foods" on the fridge. No bread, pasta, chips. And then there's only celery in your fridge. And green tea. Lots of green tea.

And then your day consists of waking up, taking laxatives, going for a run, more laxatives and drinking the tea. It all just sort of flows together, in what you now know is a deadly harmony.

No one notices at first. Why would they right? And then it becomes a game. Field the questions, make it funny. You're good at that. But they start looking deeper and you pull back. Keep yourself busy so you don't have a chance to talk or accept an invitation to go out. It works for a while before they catch on.

Then you're constantly freezing. You start wearing two tank tops under your shirt instead of one. Yoga pants under your jeans. But then it's three shirts and a hoodie. It's winter but you _know_ they're still wondering what's with all the layers. You joke about being coldblooded as well as cold hearted and then swallow down five laxatives when they walk away. A game, you think.

And then you buy a Vogue magazine. The skinny models on the wall of your bedroom becoming too repetitive. You need something new to compare yourself to. You wait till you get home to look at it. But it's a mistake.

Jennifer Lawrence is on the cover, of course she is. Catching Fire is the big blockbuster at the moment. She has the ideal figure, she's the perfect thinsporation. And then you read the article that goes with it and you know what i says? It says she does nothing to maintain it. You're furious, flipping through the rest of the magazine, looking for something, _anything_ , to show that they work as hard as you do to get this skinny, this perfect. In the end there's nothing so you throw it down in a fit of rage and for the first time you purge.

The _first_ time?! Let me guess, you're wondering how, in the four months I've been doing this, that I've never stuck my fingers down my throat. It's simple really. I relied on the dieting, the exercise, that fucking _green tea_ to do it for me. But I was so mad. All that talk of their figure and nothing comes up. So you push yourself harder.

The Insanity workout is good. But then you start gaining weight back. The scale, who was now your most optimistic friend, was going up. When you arrive at the full length mirror you're naked but the same look of horror is still on your face.  
The inspection begins and you're looking so hard trying to find why. You start at your feet and work your way up, your eyes not immediately going to your Problem Places anymore as now your entire body is a problem. It's slow meticulous work. Inch by inch, your eyes travel further up, looking for the answer to the sudden weight gain. It's your third round when you put your arms around your body, freezing as usual. And then there it is. You take a closer looks at your arms and see it. You've started gaining _muscle_. For a second you're happy. Finally you have that upper body muscle you've always wanted. But then you look back at the scale and then it's done. Insanity must go.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for this


End file.
